For all of us (especially lately), I imagine our internet searches are likely not at all indicative of our internal lives: despondencies, woes, triumphs, loves, and so on. But for the humor factor alone, Google history is probably as entertaining and telling as sneaking a glance at someone’s grocery list sitting in the bottom of their cart as they bump up against you in the produce aisle. (You know immediately if they’re a cook; if they have kids; if they’re baking a birthday cake; if they’re single or dating; and if they’re terribly stressed, you’d know that too, if you can barely make out the words squash apples Shredded Wheat yogurt milk spinach written on the paper hidden under their pile of Oreos, Annie’s Parmesan peace pasta, and three tubs of Ben & Jerry’s.)
What I’ve searched for recently:
-best facemasks relaxation
-zucchini blossom recipes
-chia pudding yogurt ratio
-how to cook millet timing
-Sharon Olds poem Topography
-en dash AP style
-moon jellyfish season
-how to stop swaddling a baby
-unswaddling a baby
-sleep sacks swaddle transition
-no, seriously, how to stop swaddling a baby (kidding! kidding! but anyone? Bueller?)
-best cheez-it flavors
That list isn’t comprehensive (you guys don’t need to know everything about me—I’m trying to keep some mystery alive). For example, I won’t even admit how much time is devoted to real estate searching—that kind of keyword history tells an entire other story about one’s life. (Dear Zillow, you’re welcome for all of the website traffic.)
Oh, and if you are either a new parent or someone to whom the word swaddle means anything, please proceed to this article immediately, read step 29, and prepare to laugh out loud.
A word on that final search query: did you know that there exists a chip version of Cheez-Its? And a cheese pizza flavor? And a queso fundido flavor (spice and smoke)? And a loaded taco flavor? And a zesty cheddar ranch flavor (be still, my heart)?
Still. the original is obviously where it’s at. Don’t argue with me! You must remember the thrill of the first “novelty” Cheez-It flavor back in the day: white cheddar. And then eating too many, your fingertips coated in faux cheese dust, the roof of your mouth burning with the overload of whatever salt and chemicals yield that specific snack-y taste of white cheddar (SmartFood popcorn, I’m looking at you). Life lesson from me to you: white cheddar Cheez-its are to be avoided, along with Starbucks pastries and espresso martinis.
No, you cannot make a version of Cheez-its that tastes precisely like the store-bought ones. Claire Saffitz attempts it on Bon Appetit and you can follow her recipe, if you like, but nothing will quite rival the real deal. Preservatives and additives man, they get you every time.
But her trial and error did teach me a few things that I’ve folded into my favorite cheese cracker recipe—notably, using paprika and a touch of buttermilk powder. She uses annatto seeds for color, but I opt for turmeric instead, so mine are more yellow and less orangey-red than hers. (Turmeric also gives an intriguingly smoky undertone to the cheddar.) She also combines powdered cheddar and grated cheddar—do this! It gives good flavor to the dough while maintaining the best texture and snap to the crackers. I buy my cheese powder from King Arthur here.
With a little effort, you can make a really very good homemade cheese cracker with a distinctively similar look and taste. And…you will have done it on your own! For a fraction of the cost with the attendant pleasures that baking brings.
So let’s have at it.
Homemade Cheez-Its
1 1/2 cups (180g) all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
3/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon granulated sugar
1 tablespoon buttermilk powder
1/2 teaspoon sweet paprika
1/2 teaspoon ground turmeric
1 1/2 cup (167g) grated sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 cup (57g) cheddar cheese powder
1/2 cup (113g) cold unsalted butter, in chunks
3 to 5 tablespoons ice water
1 egg white beaten with 1 tablespoon water, for finishing
coarse salt, for finishing
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Add the flour, baking powder, salt, sugar, buttermilk powder, paprika, turmeric, cheddar, and cheese powder to the bowl of a food processor and pulse to combine.
Add the butter and pulse briefly a few times until the mixture is pebbly-looking. Add 3 tablespoons of the ice water and pulse, adding more water as needed, until the dough comes together into a ball.
Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface and roll as thinly as possible. Using a pizza cutter or pastry wheel (or sharp knife, but this is harder), cut the dough into small squares and transfer them to a parchment-lined baking sheet. Prick the center of each square with the tip of a knife.
Brush with the beaten egg white and sprinkle with coarse salt, if desired.
Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, or until beginning to darken in color around the edges. Remove from the oven and let cool—the crackers will crisp as they cool.